One second they are building a tower together. The next, someone has knocked it over, a hand flies, and now one child is crying and the other looks furious. It happens fast, and your first instinct might be to shout.
Hitting a sibling is very common in young children. Feelings like jealousy and frustration arrive faster than words do. Your job is to stop the hitting, keep everyone safe, and teach a better way, without making either child feel like the bad one. Here are the words that help.
What to say: 7 scripts
- "I won't let you hit. I'm going to keep everyone safe." Why it works: it stops the action calmly and tells both children you are in charge of safety.
- "Are you okay? Let me see." Why it works: going to the hurt child first shows that hitting does not get the biggest share of your attention.
- "You're really cross. Your brother knocked your tower down." Why it works: naming the feeling behind the hit helps your child feel understood, which is what calms them.
- "You can stamp your feet or squeeze this cushion. Hands are not for hitting." Why it works: it gives the angry energy somewhere safe to go.
- "Let's sit here together until your body feels calm." Why it works: a short calm-down with you, not away from you, helps a big feeling pass.
- "When you're ready, what could help your sister feel better?" Why it works: making it right teaches care far better than a forced sorry.
- "Next time you feel that cross, come and get me. I'll help." Why it works: it gives your child a plan to use before their hands take over.
What to avoid
- "Say sorry right now!" Why to skip it: a sorry on demand teaches the word, not the feeling behind it.
- "How would you like it if I hit you?" Why to skip it: it models the very thing you want to stop.
- "You're a mean big brother." Why to skip it: labels stick, and a child who hears they are mean may start to act the part.
- "Who started it?" Why to skip it: the answer is almost never clear, and it turns you into a judge instead of a helper.
- Long lectures straight after. Why to skip it: an upset child cannot take in a lesson. Wait until everyone is calm.
A calm 3-step plan
- Stop the hitting calmly. Move in and gently block or separate. Say "I won't let you hit" in a low, steady voice.
- Comfort the hurt child first. Turn to the child who was hit. Check they are okay and give them your care before anything else.
- Help them make it right later. When the child who hit has calmed down, talk about what happened and let them choose a way to help their sibling feel better.
Questions parents ask
Should I make my child say sorry after hitting their sibling?
A forced sorry teaches children to say the word, not to mean it. Wait until everyone is calm, then help your child find a way to make it right, like fetching an ice pack or asking "Are you okay?". A real sorry often follows on its own.
Who do I go to first, the child who hit or the child who got hurt?
Go to the hurt child first. Comfort them and check they are okay. It shows that hitting does not win your attention, and the child who hit sees what care looks like.
Is it normal for siblings to hit each other?
Hitting is common in young children, who often feel things faster than they can say them. It still needs a calm, firm response every time. If hitting is frequent, causes real injuries, or is getting worse as your child gets older, talk to your child's doctor.
Practise it before the next one
Staying calm when one child has hurt the other is one of the hardest moments in parenting. Your own heart is racing too. That is why rehearsal helps. The Better Parent Everyday app has a Tantrum Trainer where you practise calm words on a quiet evening, so they are ready the next time hands start flying. Try Tantrum Trainer free on iPhone and iPad.